Guest Post Written by Heather Rackham
Money is a breeding ground for shame and shame leads people to hide, which leads to lies about money. Which means that most of us have been lied to about money.
In general, we have a lot of moral and ethical beliefs around honesty and we believe it is wrong to lie.
Consequently, when someone lies, we have a lot of judgement.
There is nothing wrong with that unless you notice it affecting your ability to be the person you want to be.
That judgement usually leads to hurt and resentful. Then we show up bitter and cold in that relationship. We withdraw and become suspicious.
Let’s be honest. These types of behaviors are never helpful in resolving issues and usually end up in the other person feeling suffocated and then they withdraw from you or even lie more. It is a vicious cycle.
The truth is, their lies have not made you feel resentful, hurt or angry. Their lies have not made you act suspiciously or withdraw from them.
It is your beliefs like, “He shouldn’t lie to me,” “It is ethically wrong to lie” or “If he loved me enough he would tell me the truth” that are causing your hurt and resentment.
Ultimately, you have hurt yourself with your thoughts.
Here are some helpful steps for you when your ready to move away from resentment and hurt and just feel better:
- Explore these questions in your mind:
Can I absolutely prove that I have been lied to?
Do I know without a shadow of a doubt that what they said was not the truth?
- State the exact phrase that they said to you.
Rather than thinking, “he lied to me” actually state the exact phrase that he/she said.
Stating the fact will help to take the drama out of the story.
- Question what is truth?
Just because you think it is a lie does not mean that he/she thinks it is a lie. They may not have any intentions of telling you something you find fault in. It may be truth to them.
Can you absolutely know what is going on his/her head when they choose to say what they said? Can you absolutely say that they know better?
The truth is, we can’t prove any of these things.
Maybe the truth is they are just a person who doesn’t always know what they should say. Maybe they are just that person who says the right things most of the time but occasionally gets it wrong.
Maybe they are a dishonest person.
So what. That is just who they are and maybe the person they are right now is exactly the person they are supposed to be to become the person they are supposed to become.
And when you find fault in what you believe is their inability to tell the truth, you are not being honest with yourself because it isn’t them that is hurting you, it is you that is hurting you with your beliefs about them. You are lying to yourself.
Written by Heather Rackham
The Second Marriage Coach
Every single day of my engagement, I called my fiancé and told him I didn’t think I could marry him. There was so many things that could go wrong. Did I really love him enough? Time and all eternity was such a LONG time and a huge commitment. I was full of fear.
The morning of our wedding I actually called him and told him I wasn’t coming.
That fear took over my entire engagement. I didn’t enjoy any thing about it. I didn’t even enjoy my wedding day. Yes, you heard that right, I did have a wedding day. I actually went through with it.
Why? If I was so afraid and felt so much fear, why did I get married? Because there was this small voice inside of me that whispered, “this is the perfect relationship for you. Your life is going to be beautiful.”
Heather Rackham Coaching started with my desire to help women who were preparing for marriage, to make the commitment with a lot more confidence then I did. I wanted women to have tools to create the marriage of their dreams. I was a pre-marriage coach. And I loved it.
But in time, I was approached by a women who was getting married, not for the first, but the second time. She had been married before and it didn’t turn out how she had hoped.
She desperately needed help to over come her fear.
There was so much pain from her past and it created a lot of anxiousness about the future. She felt good about getting married the first time, why didn’t it work out? How could she trust her instincts again? Could she really open her heart up to someone else? Could she really love his children like she loved her own? Could she share finances again after being financially independent. Her list of fears was enormous. She wanted to have love and connection in her life again, but could she really ever trust someone again?
I knew I could help. I knew I had tools that could change her life. I knew I could teach her how to create the future she wanted and know that she could keep herself emotionally safe, all the time, no matter what.
And so, Heather Rackham Coaching made a shift. I became The Second Marriage Coach and I have never looked back.
As a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I coach with Christ-like values. Not all of my clients are members of my church but those that are, find so much peace in knowing that I understand their perspective and background.
Everyone on this earth deserves love and connection in this life. I believe that is why we are here. I teach all the tools you need to leave fear and anxiety behind and start living and loving.